Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.