She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I hope Alan is OK
AM I BEING GASLIT????
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.