The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
You Might Also Like
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
What if all the cashiers are married?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit