My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago