the Monday after daylight savings
You Might Also Like
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
jesus, what did this guy do
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.