“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?