I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
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First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Black Friday “markdowns” like
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
house sitting!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Art by Pastelkatto
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Sunday
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?