“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.