*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
every. time.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.