My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.