Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
All set.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out