Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black