I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!