A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.