So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
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My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.