The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am