When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’d … I’d rather not.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.