Poetry is my passion
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I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
No way!
Best mom ever 😂
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I can’t stop watching this.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it