Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Breaking news:
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.