[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.