The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”