million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
This could’ve been an email.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao