You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”