Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
cat vs inanimate object
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.