When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
this FaceApp is creepy af
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir