KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”