A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
The pen is writier than the sword.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The Book. The Movie.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
A choir of Spring onions
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.