Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.