Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Cat.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
let’s discuss
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.