I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.