[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face