NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
You Might Also Like
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.