I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
thinking about a very short hotdog
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.