[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”