*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody