employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.