I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Ape together strong
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little