They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
can’t talk my ride’s here
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep