him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.