When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING