Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day