My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Who called it baking and not making love
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.