Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Huge, if true.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.