When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
smartest karate player in the world
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene