The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Banking tips
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.