one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band