It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
it was a valiant fight
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.