*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I identify as an antique shop.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another