Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??