This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Ha.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.